Person in the Mirror

Reflections on the life of Weejars


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PLEASE NOTE: Retirement of ‘Person in the Mirror’ Blog

My journey with blogging started over 5 years ago with this precious WordPress site called Person in the Mirror. Although it has been quite a dark blog at times, it has served a healing and cathartic purpose for me, after a series of miscarriages and my ongoing struggles with depression and anxiety. Thankfully, I am in now in a much better place and have decided to retire this blog. Starting afresh if you will!
If you have enjoyed my writing (which I sincerely hope you have!), never fear!  I have started a new blog called ‘By Sarah‘ and I hope you will come over, check it out and even follow me if you like what you read.
Thanks to all my readers and followers over the years (all 58 of you!)

You have supported me in ways you will never know.

Love and blessings,

Sarah (aka WEEJARS)


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World without you

Nothing that I say will ever get to you
You don’t hear, me at all
Can you leave the ways you find to scout the truth
But I know
That’s just who you are

You can spend your days away from everyone
Safe at home, all alone
Maybe it’s okay but when the sun is gone
I bet it gets hard

They will want a secret that we told ourselves
No one knew, but me and you
Never could reveal the word to someone else
One of us, always standing guard

And I, can’t stand to see it come to an end (x4)

(Break)

When I think about you,
don’t know what to feel

In a world without you,
don’t know what is real

When I think about you,
don’t know what to feel

In a world without you,
don’t know what is real
(Don’t know what is real)

And I, can’t stand to see it come to an end
(Don’t know what is real)

And I, can’t stand to see it come to an end

By Ivy


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12 months

Tomorrow marks 12 months to the day, since my second loss.

No matter how much time passes, miscarriage doesn’t get any easier.
The pain may not be as raw, and your life goes on, but the sadness, sorrow and knowledge of all that will never be, all that was taken from you, leaves a bitterness and anger that is always simmering.

I ask anyone who reads this, to remember my baby with me on May 10th. Light a candle for her precious little soul…

http://baby-w-no.-2.gonetoosoon.org/

I will be repeating this ritual for my first loss, in another 9 day’s time.


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Sometimes…

Sometimes my job absolutely breaks my heart.
I feel extremely privileged yet saddened to stand beside wonderful people,
suffering through the worst times in their lives.
Sometimes I am able to help.
Sometimes I can do nothing but listen.
Sometimes I hold it together.
Sometimes I crack and cry along with them.
Today was one of those days…


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Blogging is hard work!

I note, with some chagrin, that it has been quite some months since my last blog.
End of December, in fact.

My intention was to write some, during my recent two weeks of holiday, but in between, I don’t know, relaxing and getting engaged (yay! Congratulations to me and Daz!), I just didn’t find the time.

Or more to the point, I didn’t find the inspiration.

As noted in my ‘about’ section on this blog, my musings are mainly for the purpose of expressing my experiences about my ongoing battle with depression and anxiety. Thus, one can quite rightly deduce, that things have been going very well for me lately.

Oh sure, I’ve still had my moments, but on the whole, life is good. And when life is good, blogging is hard work!

This is not a problem, per se, but it does present me with a new dilemma – finding inspiration in the positives. And I can tell you, I am UP FOR IT…


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Saying goodbye to grief

Well 2013 is here. Two days in and all is well. This is the year to say goodbye to grief and embrace happiness (far easier said than done but I’m going to give it a red hot crack!)

Step 1 is to quit the grief and loss forum that got me through my miscarriage and the bulk of my depression last year (feels good to say that – the 2012 chapter of unhappiness is officially closed). As cathartic and helpful as it was to speak with others who understood what I was going through, continually sneaking back and peeking at the board just reopens all the wounds. Like picking at a scab that’s almost healed. It will take a lot of discipline as the temptation to see ‘what’s happening’ is often driven by boredom and a lack of connection in my ‘real’ life in this small country town. Sometimes seeking sadness is the easier option than being proactive in cultivating much needed change.

Step 2 is to be the master of my own life. Instead of being a passive spectator allowing life’s ups and downs to bounce me around like a cork on the ocean, I am taking charge. And not feeling guilty about it. Priority one is a change in my job situation. Priority two is getting ‘baby ready’ – physically, mentally and emotionally. I will continue to eat well, exercise, lose a bit more weight and take every vitamin and tonic possible to help me successfully carry a pregnancy. I am sh*t scared of miscarrying again but I can’t let the fear stop me from trying.

Step 3 is to be kinder to myself. I spend so much time ruminating on events of the past and beating myself up, striving for impossible perfection – these things only perpetuate my anxiety and depression. I had lunch with three of my oldest and dearest girlfriends today (aka ‘Sex and the City’ style – we really are an Aussie version of this quartet! lol). It was the first time I have really opened up about how rough 2012 was for me. I candidly spoke about my anixety, grief, depression and fear and was stunned to discover that they had ALL undergone similar emotions and traumatic events recently. Knowing that I am not alone and that life beats us all up from time to time, reassures me that my feelings are not shameful or ‘bad’ – in fact, my reactions to adversity are quite normal. My unrelenting standards need a serious overhaul.

Finally, I’m not pretending my grief will just disappear. It will always be with me, but I will no longer allow it to dictate. Instead I will focus on loving and cherishing all that is good right now.

I must remember that there is always sunshine after the heaviest rain…
Sunshine-After-Rain