Person in the Mirror

Reflections on the life of Weejars


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PLEASE NOTE: Retirement of ‘Person in the Mirror’ Blog

My journey with blogging started over 5 years ago with this precious WordPress site called Person in the Mirror. Although it has been quite a dark blog at times, it has served a healing and cathartic purpose for me, after a series of miscarriages and my ongoing struggles with depression and anxiety. Thankfully, I am in now in a much better place and have decided to retire this blog. Starting afresh if you will!
If you have enjoyed my writing (which I sincerely hope you have!), never fear!  I have started a new blog called ‘By Sarah‘ and I hope you will come over, check it out and even follow me if you like what you read.
Thanks to all my readers and followers over the years (all 58 of you!)

You have supported me in ways you will never know.

Love and blessings,

Sarah (aka WEEJARS)


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Reflections on 2013

Christmas and New Years always provokes a time of reflection and contemplation on the year that has been. I’ve been a little quiet on the blogging front of late (life gets in the way, you know how it goes). However, what interesting reading it has been going back to where I was at emotionally and mentally this time last year. What a difference 12 months makes…

My grumpy, grinch like post bemoaning my yuletide blues in 2012 could not have been more contrasting to my Christmas experience in 2013. For the first time in years, I felt like my Christmas was ‘real’ again. There was (almost) the same magic from my childhood surrounding my day. A day that was spent without fighting, drama, bitching and carry on. I felt a sense of family and togetherness with my new family (in-laws) that has been left wanting in my own Weejar’s family. And though I know it would sadden my mother to know, I felt a sense of relief from not having to deal with the typical shite of the blood ties that bind. Being the oldest, I shoulder the burden of our dysfunctional family relationships and have all but given up trying to  be the peace maker. I am too disillusioned and left bereft of care to keep trying where there is no reciprocation. I can honestly say, Christmas this year was LOVELY. Just lovely indeed.

On the eve of the eve of a new year, it is with great sadness that I get set to farewell 2013. This has been the year that has turned my world around. A year free from miscarriage (albeit I still have no children but I think that may be my destiny), a year where I got not only engaged but also married, increased periods of time where I don’t suffer from extreme health anxiety and panic attacks. A year where I actually enjoyed my life and remembered that life is good – a year without the heaviness of grief and guilt.

Last year I could not wait to say bye bye to 2012. This year though, I want to hang onto the wonderful year that’s been. I am not ready to say goodbye for it truly was joyful and happy for me. I am scared 2014 will disappoint. Afterall, 2013 is one tough act to follow…

 


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Up on the airplane

There is something very unnatural about flying. Yep. In my mind, the fact that we as humans, don’t have wings, probably suggests we don’t belong in the air.

Yet, daily, thousands and thousands of people, venture into the skies to get to their meeting/holiday/wedding/reunion/weekend away/whatever-excuse-you-need-to-go-somewhere so much faster! And they LOVE it! Most people I know, enjoy that special feeling when you travel by air.

And I do get that. There is something almost VIP-ish about having someone check you in, screen you, grant you exclusive entry to the venue (aka the plane) and then serve you whatever you want in your seat.

And everything is so small and cute!
The small serving sizes of the snacks.
The small drinks.
The small TVs.
The small leg space.
The small toilet.
Even the delays are miniature.
‘There’s a slight delay’
‘We’ll be landing shortly’

But I digress.

I have a ‘small’ problem with flying. And that is that I have a terrible fear of it.
Nothing makes me feel sicker, more anxious or fearful, than from the moment of take off until the time my feet are firmly planted on solid ground again.

The lurching, dipping, vibrating, and constant roar of engines, invoke an undertone of terror that lasts the duration of the flight, making it impossible to relax and enjoy. I entertain visions of ‘how we are going to go down’ and listen attentively to safety and emergency presentations provided by the cabin crew. I have no doubt I would be the most well versed student should we be in an actual emergency.

And heaven forbid if we encounter any turbulence! Every jolt and shudder, I imagine rivets popping and wings detaching.
I wish I’d never watched ‘Air Crash Investigations‘!


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World without you

Nothing that I say will ever get to you
You don’t hear, me at all
Can you leave the ways you find to scout the truth
But I know
That’s just who you are

You can spend your days away from everyone
Safe at home, all alone
Maybe it’s okay but when the sun is gone
I bet it gets hard

They will want a secret that we told ourselves
No one knew, but me and you
Never could reveal the word to someone else
One of us, always standing guard

And I, can’t stand to see it come to an end (x4)

(Break)

When I think about you,
don’t know what to feel

In a world without you,
don’t know what is real

When I think about you,
don’t know what to feel

In a world without you,
don’t know what is real
(Don’t know what is real)

And I, can’t stand to see it come to an end
(Don’t know what is real)

And I, can’t stand to see it come to an end

By Ivy


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Don’t Panic

Bones, sinking like stones,
All that we fought for,
Homes, places we’ve grown,
All of us are done for.
And we live in a beautiful world,
Yeah we do, yeah we do,
We live in a beautiful world,

Bones, sinking like stones,
All that we fought for,
And homes, places we’ve grown,
All of us are done for.
And we live in a beautiful world,
Yeah we do, yeah we do,
We live in a beautiful world.

Here we go,
Here we go.

And we live in a beautiful world,
Yeah we do, yeah we do,
We live in a beautiful world.

Oh, all that I know,
There’s nothing here to run from,
Cos yeah, everybody here’s got somebody to lean on

source: http://www.lyricsondemand.com/
credit: Coldplay


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Tiring times

It’s been a while since I’ve written. You know how life gets. Busy. Stressful. Tiring. No time for stuff like recording random thoughts!

But I find myself this Saturday morning with some ‘alone’ time and rather than googling all my current symptoms and exacerbating my anxiety, I have taken sanctuary in my garden, in the sunshine, and will spend a moment jotting down some ramblings.

I’ve come to the conclusion my line of work is definitely bad for my health and this week has been a tough one.

My colleague who usually keeps me on the straight and narrow has been MIA this week, caring for his ill mother. Which means essentially, I have been doing two people’s work and carrying the load. So physically, emotionally and mentally I am completely drained (and I have also developed a twitch in my right eye which I suspect has more to do with this than a tumour or Parkinson’s or any other malady it may also represent).

I certainly don’t begrudge my colleague not being there – if I was in his shoes, I would drop everything and run to my mum too. Absolutely, no questions asked. But without the presence of a second ‘body’, there has been no barrier or buffer between me and the clients as I absorb all their grief, stress, burden and worries as carers. I’m sensitive and have extreme empathy for others, which is great in my line of work, but it can also be my biggest downfall. Being exposed to any and all horrible illnesses and conditions and what it does to the person and the one caring for them, sometimes consumes me.

I start to worry about my own health – unreasonably so – and find it very hard to switch off and relax when I am home and ‘off the clock’. It is really impacting my life. I feel like I am constantly on edge – alert to the most minute twinge, lump, bump and irregularity in my own person. Just expecting and waiting for something equally horrible to strike me down too.

I am trying to think positive and be rational, because I don’t want this to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I am a firm believer in what you put out there, you attract into your life.
I think it may be time for help. Counselling maybe, or medication…I don’t know what the ‘answer’ to this ongoing anxiety will be… if anyone else does, let me know will you?