Person in the Mirror

Reflections on the life of Weejars


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FB stalking….why do we do it?

FB stalking. Why do we do we do it?
We all do it – some admit to it more than others – but there is something obsessive and compulsive in the most rational of us that insists on looking back and seeing what our ‘past’ is “up to”

It serves no purpose. It makes us feel shit. It brings on a sadness, an inadequacy, that is self induced.

I am divorced. The day I left my ex-husband, I left behind my ‘in-law’ family whom I dearly loved and cared for. Seven years on, my ex is remarried, two kids and seemingly very happy. Me, on the other hand, not married, no kids and stuck in a cycle of anxiety and panic. This was not how things were meant to be! I left him, in search of a ‘better life’ and he is the one who comes out on top?! Wtf?! Times 1000. How does this happen?!

I left him. I knew what I wanted but instead of things being easy, it seems all the life’s lessons have been learnt by me rather than he who was deserving. And as for his extended family, they have all landed on their feet too. How the f*ck does this injustice happen. Don’t get me wrong. I’m on a good wicket…now.

Engaged, to be married in September, but after two miscarriages and significant anxiety and panic disorder, I can’t help but feel I have drawn the short straw in the karma stakes. How do these piece of s&*t people and their offspring prosper when I struggle and battle just in the name of happiness?! It doesn’t seem fair.

I try to be a good person. I endeavour to do no harm. Yet, still, after all these years, I am the fucking joker in the game of life.

I ask you, what is the point?!
Why be a good person?
Why put others first?
Because when you try to aim for happiness, life shits all over you. Year after year…


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Don’t Panic

Bones, sinking like stones,
All that we fought for,
Homes, places we’ve grown,
All of us are done for.
And we live in a beautiful world,
Yeah we do, yeah we do,
We live in a beautiful world,

Bones, sinking like stones,
All that we fought for,
And homes, places we’ve grown,
All of us are done for.
And we live in a beautiful world,
Yeah we do, yeah we do,
We live in a beautiful world.

Here we go,
Here we go.

And we live in a beautiful world,
Yeah we do, yeah we do,
We live in a beautiful world.

Oh, all that I know,
There’s nothing here to run from,
Cos yeah, everybody here’s got somebody to lean on

source: http://www.lyricsondemand.com/
credit: Coldplay


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Tiring times

It’s been a while since I’ve written. You know how life gets. Busy. Stressful. Tiring. No time for stuff like recording random thoughts!

But I find myself this Saturday morning with some ‘alone’ time and rather than googling all my current symptoms and exacerbating my anxiety, I have taken sanctuary in my garden, in the sunshine, and will spend a moment jotting down some ramblings.

I’ve come to the conclusion my line of work is definitely bad for my health and this week has been a tough one.

My colleague who usually keeps me on the straight and narrow has been MIA this week, caring for his ill mother. Which means essentially, I have been doing two people’s work and carrying the load. So physically, emotionally and mentally I am completely drained (and I have also developed a twitch in my right eye which I suspect has more to do with this than a tumour or Parkinson’s or any other malady it may also represent).

I certainly don’t begrudge my colleague not being there – if I was in his shoes, I would drop everything and run to my mum too. Absolutely, no questions asked. But without the presence of a second ‘body’, there has been no barrier or buffer between me and the clients as I absorb all their grief, stress, burden and worries as carers. I’m sensitive and have extreme empathy for others, which is great in my line of work, but it can also be my biggest downfall. Being exposed to any and all horrible illnesses and conditions and what it does to the person and the one caring for them, sometimes consumes me.

I start to worry about my own health – unreasonably so – and find it very hard to switch off and relax when I am home and ‘off the clock’. It is really impacting my life. I feel like I am constantly on edge – alert to the most minute twinge, lump, bump and irregularity in my own person. Just expecting and waiting for something equally horrible to strike me down too.

I am trying to think positive and be rational, because I don’t want this to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I am a firm believer in what you put out there, you attract into your life.
I think it may be time for help. Counselling maybe, or medication…I don’t know what the ‘answer’ to this ongoing anxiety will be… if anyone else does, let me know will you?