Person in the Mirror

Reflections on the life of Weejars


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The only constant

I think about dying at least 10 times a day.
I’ll be busy going about my business and all of a sudden, wham! It hits me. I could DIE any second. I could literally, drop dead, at any time. Bam. Just like that. Who knows where? Who knows when? And who knows what the hell I may be doing when it happens (hopefully nothing embarrassing like sitting on the loo or um, heaven forbid, the middle of a more intimate situation!)

And believe it or not, that’s the good scenario!
I would much rather ‘go’ in an instant (and hence not really know about it) than linger on and on with some hideous illness, knowing that my death is imminent.

One might argue that knowing you are going to die would give you an opportunity to seek peace and let your loved ones know how you feel about them. And what your wishes are.

I think I would turn into a basketcase from the anxiety and fear, long before I could do that.

I suffer from terrible health anxiety as it is. Every twinge, spasm, growth, lump and bump, must surely be a heart attack/stroke/cancer or some other death sentence out to get me. It’s exhausting. And my line of work doesn’t help matters! I see the very worst of the human condition – there are SO MANY things that can go wrong!

I’ve been enduring a mild-ish ongoing panic attack about dying for over 6 months now. I’ve worked out some strategies to on the whole, keep it at bay, but sometimes, the fear just consumes me.

I wish I could turn off the switch and just go back to my happy-go-lucky, fear-of-death free existence. It’s no way to live with a shadow over your days. I guess the only consolation is that, inevitably, death is something we must all face. It is the only constant. Acceptance of that may just help me dispel the fear…

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Salisbury Walk, Saturday 13 April

Some pics from today’s hike along the Salisbury Walk in the Warby Ovens National Park. A short but steep walk of approximately 5km. A little disappointing the waterfall had no water except in the pools at the top but this was more than compensated by some unexpected company of the spiky kind…
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I don’t know who was more scared when I rounded the corner and stumbled across this little fella! Poised with camera, I waited quietly for a few minutes and he obligingly lifted his head…


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Left behind

Why is it everyone I know is suddenly pregnant?
Ok, so in reality I know it is not strictly everyone, but seriously, it’s beginning to feel like it!
It seems I cannot open Facebook these days without being confronted by yet another “friend” announcing they are expecting. And every time I see one of those sonograms/ultrasounds/so-happy-to-be-part-of-the-parent-crowd announcements, it is like a punch to the gut for me. And yes, I feel completely, utterly, entirely left behind, like the failure that I am.

Don’t get me wrong here. I’m not begrudging others’ this special and amazing experience. I AM happy for them. But there is a part of me, I am ashamed to say, that just cannot bring myself to congratulate or be a part of their ‘good news’ because it just hurts me so god damned much! To the very core of my being.

I cannot stop a-thinking about why it hasn’t yet been me. I should be a mum twice over by now, but I am not. Why is it so easy I for ‘everyone’ else?!

Will I ever be a mother?
I’m beginning to think not.
And I am becoming evermore bitter about that…


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3 things – Sunday 7 April 2013

* My improved level of fitness. I have so much more energy and feel better about myself every day (gotta love those endorphins)

* My beautiful boo who celebrated her second birthday yesterday. My girl is growing up! Here is a picture of her all smiles after a big walk and enjoying a treat…

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* My fiancé…

I never tire of saying that! It’s so much nicer to know he is my husband-to-be and not merely a ‘partner’. Personally, I loathe that term and I am grateful I no longer have to use it 😉

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The bike riding face

I am fortunate enough to live a mere hop-skip and jump from the north east’s most well known system of rail trails. Being the owner of a new bike, I endeavour to make use of the trails at my doorstep, as much as I can.

Today was a beautiful Autumn day and having gained an extra hour from the cessation of daylight’s savings, many were also out and about. As I rode along saying good morning to the other riders, I was struck by the difference in the ‘riding faces’ that I encountered.

The children, bless them, giggling and smiling all the while they haphazardly navigated the path, looked something like this…

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Seeing their faces filled with such immense pleasure made me smile too.

Their parents on the other hand, and the vast majority of adults that I passed, looked like this…

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or even this…

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And it got me thinking about how the exact same activity can have such a differing reflection on the outside?

As adults, are we so jaded, consumed and weighed down by life (punctured if you will!?), we can no longer enjoy the simple things? Feeling the breeze rush past, as we take in the beautiful country side? Living in the moment of breathe, push, pedal, balance? Oh sure, I understand that for some, a bike ride is for fitness, endurance and no-pain-no-gain and all that, but come on. An element of joy would be nice!

That being said, I’m sure that my riding face probably resembled something like this…

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So we’ll just leave it at that.