Well 2013 is here. Two days in and all is well. This is the year to say goodbye to grief and embrace happiness (far easier said than done but I’m going to give it a red hot crack!)
Step 1 is to quit the grief and loss forum that got me through my miscarriage and the bulk of my depression last year (feels good to say that – the 2012 chapter of unhappiness is officially closed). As cathartic and helpful as it was to speak with others who understood what I was going through, continually sneaking back and peeking at the board just reopens all the wounds. Like picking at a scab that’s almost healed. It will take a lot of discipline as the temptation to see ‘what’s happening’ is often driven by boredom and a lack of connection in my ‘real’ life in this small country town. Sometimes seeking sadness is the easier option than being proactive in cultivating much needed change.
Step 2 is to be the master of my own life. Instead of being a passive spectator allowing life’s ups and downs to bounce me around like a cork on the ocean, I am taking charge. And not feeling guilty about it. Priority one is a change in my job situation. Priority two is getting ‘baby ready’ – physically, mentally and emotionally. I will continue to eat well, exercise, lose a bit more weight and take every vitamin and tonic possible to help me successfully carry a pregnancy. I am sh*t scared of miscarrying again but I can’t let the fear stop me from trying.
Step 3 is to be kinder to myself. I spend so much time ruminating on events of the past and beating myself up, striving for impossible perfection – these things only perpetuate my anxiety and depression. I had lunch with three of my oldest and dearest girlfriends today (aka ‘Sex and the City’ style – we really are an Aussie version of this quartet! lol). It was the first time I have really opened up about how rough 2012 was for me. I candidly spoke about my anixety, grief, depression and fear and was stunned to discover that they had ALL undergone similar emotions and traumatic events recently. Knowing that I am not alone and that life beats us all up from time to time, reassures me that my feelings are not shameful or ‘bad’ – in fact, my reactions to adversity are quite normal. My unrelenting standards need a serious overhaul.
Finally, I’m not pretending my grief will just disappear. It will always be with me, but I will no longer allow it to dictate. Instead I will focus on loving and cherishing all that is good right now.