Person in the Mirror

Reflections on the life of Weejars


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Bye bye 2012

New year 2013

Well the end of a truly crappy year is finally here!

Don’t get me wrong, 2012 had a few redeeming moments but on the whole, these were superceded by the loss of my second baby and the deep depression that overshadowed me for the greater part of this year.

It is with optimism (well trying as hard as I can anyway) that I look forward with hope to a fresh start in 2013. The little voice in the back of my head reminds me in her bitchy tone that I had these same dreams and expectations for this year and look what happened?! But, I have to believe good things will come this year. It’s my turn!

Happy New Year one and all. May 2013 make all your dreams come true…


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Yuletide blues

With the ‘festive season’ nigh upon us, for me it brings a deep melancholy. I do not see this time as a happy or joyous one. It just reminds me of all I do not have in my life. As each day brings us closer, my mood becomes more and more brooding and somber. I cannot shake these Christmas blues. And the goodwill and cheer of others makes me wanna puke…

‘There are some people who want to throw their arms round you just because it’s Christmas, there are other people who want to strangle you just because it’s Christmas’ Robert Lynd

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Wisps of him

I dreamed of him again last night.
His touch on my skin,
His love so strong
So real, I truly thought it was.

How can these memories
Affect me so?
Erasing six years of not having him
In a single moment.

And though I have changed,
In both appearance and personality
It matters not.
Once he sees me, it is as before.

He knows me.
Inside and out.
He loves me.
Totally and utterly.

It is intense, overwhelming, consuming.
I feel complete.
The part of me that is damaged and broken,
Becomes whole again.

I want to hold onto that feeling but
My fantasies cause me guilt for not wanting what I have now.
The disappointment I feel when I wake and realise I am not with him.
Cause an ache in my soul, in my core.

I feel my heart will surely die.
In those brief moments between the dream and reality.
When I become aware I have lost him.
And will never have him again.

Sometimes I look photos
And yearn to touch him.
His smile, his eyes
Forever etched in my mind.

I wonder if he summons me in his dreams?
Are we linked by the memory of what was?
Where the only place we can meet is
In the subconscious.

I clutch at these wisps of him.
This is all I have now.
It makes me sad and I wonder
If he misses me too…


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The tram ride…

‘What happened to the metcard?
Crap! Why can’t I buy a ticket on the tram anymore?!
And what the hell is a myki?’

Now I’m running late.

The clickety clack of the light rail wheels
And high pitch squeal as it rounds the corner,
Mean that I have to sprint
For the tram.

Lungs almost bursting
I clamber aboard.
Relieved to have ‘made it’
The tram is almost full.

I fumble with my myki
And a helpful fellow passenger
Assists me to make my first swipe.
Beep! Sorted.

Three stops on, the ‘almost full’ becomes full.
I stand near the stairwell
Briefly closer to freedom and air
Each time the doors wrench open.

Impossibility, with each stop
More and more people squeeze on.
I find myself confronted
Nose-line with a stranger’s armpit.

I turn my head and find instead a mouth.
Bad breath and stale toothpaste.
Nauseating.
Breath after breath in my face.

My position by the door is no more.
I have been inched into the swarm of tightly packed bodies.
Contorting my limbs into shapes to fit whatever space they can find.
Trying to make my ample frame as minuscule as possible.

No need to hold on.
I couldn’t budge if I tried.
Our collective forms, an immovable mass.
Wedged firmly inside the frame of the tram.

My fifteen minute journey
Feels like fifty.
A wave of panic begins to rise
As I become overwhelmed by the smells, the sounds, the sensation of this sardine tin on wheels.

Just when it fear I can bare it no more.
My stop is heralded by the driver.
As the doors open, I frantically push my way through to
Sweet liberty at last.

I had forgotten the joys of
Melbourne’s classiest and finest fleet
Thank you for the reminder Yarra Trams.
Sometimes the country is not so bad after all…

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Monkey update #1

Two weeks on and operation kicking my monkey to the curb is on the whole, going pretty well.

I appear to have lost weight. Not being a big fan of scales, I have drawn this conclusion from my now baggy bra (not a good look for a D cup woman! Bras need to fit! Dammit!) and the shape that has come back to my legs. I will be brave enough to jump on the scales in a couple of weeks to see what this is worth in kilos (and hopefully more will have been shed by then too).

I am staying away from carbs and focussing on eating lots of fruit and veggies – being summer here in Oz this is thankfully, easy to do, as we have lots of great salads and seasonal fruits available at the moment. I have been exercising pretty much daily (give or take the weekends) and am LOVING my cross trainer. I purchased this a few years ago but have only just started using it. Minimum 20mins per session combined with daily walks with my puppies is doing the job for this exercise-phobic person 🙂

It hasn’t all been smooth sailing though. Over the last two days, I have again fallen into the dreaded claws of my old companion, depression. Funnily enough, it started with an act of charity… I am a Rotarian and our club had offered to run a community BBQ for a childcare centre’s Christmas Party. So of course I put up my hand to help out. Big mistake.

I was totally unprepared to be confronted by hundreds of babies, toddlers, young children and their parents all smiles and sharing a great time with other families. While this is of course, lovely for them, witnessing all this elicited from me extreme feelings of failure, loss, jealousy, rage – the full gamut of emotions I am working so hard to overcome. Let’s call them my ‘monkey emotions’.

So here I was, handing out sausages in bread to one and all – all the while raging inside and fighting to hold back tears. A smile frozen to my face. I just couldn’t stop thinking, ‘This should have been me out there with my family enjoying Christmas festivities’. Instead, I am empty.

My monkey emotions have now taken hold and all last night and this morning, I am dwelling on the ‘what might have beens’.

I think that to a degree, this happens anyway as we approach the ‘festive’ season. For some reason Christmas and the advent of a new year gives us cause to reflect on all we have (and haven’t) achieved in the last twelve months. For me, instead of having cause to celebrate my first Christmas with my little one, I again have cause to remember now two babies that I have lost. Babies who will never get to experience any Christmases.

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As a child, I used to love Christmas and New Years – there was something magical about this time. Now, I just dread it. I have no family or friends to share it with – it simply isn’t special anymore and has lost its meaning for me. It just makes me sad and seems to exemplify all that is wrong in my life.

This last twelve months has been a complete write off for me. I am no better or worse off than I was last year – 2012 could have been 2011 (and 2011 sucked!). The fact that nothing has changed is what makes it so utterly depressing.

Each new year, I have hope that things can be better and different in my life, and I really do strive to make this so. I don’t know why it all went so wrong this year. Again.

to the tune of jingle bells…
Stuck in a hamster wheel
with a monkey on my back!
Oh what fun it is to ride in a Weejars sleigh tonight…hey!

Seriously though, I’m trying hard to work through this period of negativity. I’ve done so well the last few weeks – I just need to keep calm and carry on. The monkey is slowly but surely releasing his grip…

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The heat

I wake.
Sand paper tongue
And cracked lips
Crying out for water.

The bed springs under me
Spiral coils injecting
Acupuncture pressure
And conducting the heat.

I groan and rise.
The closed blinds
Frame the light
Peeking through the slats.

I can already feel
It’s hot outside.
The fingers of the sun
Reaching inside to where I have lain.

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I take a cool shower
Both to awaken and refresh
I step into my towel but
Sweat is already forming on my body.

I dress and get ready for work.
Makeup slides off my face
My hair is limp and straggly
From the perspiration on my skin.

With my appearance a write off
I settle to be comfortable instead.
Alas, thongs are not
Appropriate for work!

I can’t even face my morning coffee,
A hot drink intolerable on this day.
So I opt for an iced chocolate instead.
The cool liquid, heaven! Sliding down my throat.

I open the front door
And it’s like a nuclear blast.
The heat hits you like a thick blanket.
Smothering. Heavy. Oppressive. Pushing me back inside.

I take steps toward my car
Ruefully gazing back at my home,
Wishing instead, I could hole up
In front of the air conditioner all day.

My hands grasp the steering wheel
And I recoil, burnt.
The vinyl upholstery a hotplate
Blistering any human touch.

The sun glares in my eyes
As I drive.
I pray the cool air will start to circulate soon.
But before it does, I arrive.

The office is a sauna.
Workers drag their feet
And despondently look at the vents above
Willing them to life.

The groan of the generator
Explains that it is already working,
And this will be
as good as it gets.

The beating sun no match
For man-made climate control.
A listless, sluggish day.
Not productive at all.

5pm arrives.
Home time.
The anticipation of respite
As night will fall soon.

The oscillation of the fan
Beat by rhythmic beat
Slowly but surely,
Shifting this terrible heat.

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