That’s it. Enough is enough. I am determined to rid myself of this monkey on my back. I have spent the better part of this year suffering from a deep depression as a result of my second miscarriage. Saturday 24 November would have been my due date and though it was a horrible day, it has offered me some closure and much needed motivation to get on with my life again.
I realised that I owe it to my little one to do this. My cathartic poem ‘You Never‘ that I wrote on that day has somehow spurred me into action. It made me realise that, yes, I have lost my baby and that was terrible. But why am I still punishing myself for this six months on? It was not my fault – I know I did everything right and was the best mum I could be. Even if that was only for twelve weeks. I am not honouring my baby’s short life by wallowing and being miserable and bitter. I am robbing myself of any happiness to enjoy the time I did spend being pregnant. My baby may not have got to live and experience all the things life brings, so it is my duty to make sure I do.
I have vowed to honour the memory of my baby by preparing myself as best I can for the next one. I have gained a lot of weight from my comfort eating and lack of self-care so that is number one mission – Operation eat healthy and exercise. Three days in and I’m doing great.
Once I have lost at least fifteen kilos (ok, maybe ten is actually more achievable) I will then start taking my prenatal vitamins and undertake acupuncture before TTC to help me make the next one stick.
A psychic told me when I was pregnant in March that she didn’t think this little soul was ready to be with me yet, but that it would be eventually. Maybe that’s next time.
I hope and pray it is next time…